At 3-D Prices, Movie Ticket Sellers Might as Well Be Wearing Masks

“Oh what a tangled web we weave,
“When first we practise to deceive!”

Sir Walter Scott couldn’t have imagined how true those words penned more than two centuries ago would ring today, when filmmakers practice to deceive our eyes with their 3-dimensional endeavors. And I’m not talking only about “Tangled,” Disney’s tangled rendition of the Rapunzel saga.



At the risk of sounding like an old curmudgeon, I rebel against the rush to 3-D taking over movies for a couple of reasons:

No. 1: The old 2-D films weren’t broken, so why fix ’em?
No. 2: I lament the fact that, when all movies are in 3-D, which I suspect they will be, kids will never know the magic of the old 2-D’s, just like they can’t appreciate the old days of black and white.
No. 3: When you get right down to it, in my opinion, most of the 3-D flicks are pretty lame, with few moments of brilliance.
No. 4: And this is most important of all, the theater prices for 3-D are making the films just too damn high for middle-class families to afford.

OK, so that was more than a couple of reasons. Call it a four-dimensional diss.

The 3-D devolvement knocks movies out of a tradition dating to the Great Depression, when the admission of a nickel gave folks just about the only diversion they could afford. Now, amidst the Great Recession, 3-D movies are knocking us for a loop.

Even if the 3-D technology made every flick into a WOW, the prices are inflated too exponentially to make the venture worthwhile.

For example, time was, I could take three grandsons to a matinee for an admission of $21 bucks, courtesy of the old-fart rate for me. Now, the theaters don’t give us old duffers a break so that, when Kate and I took four lads to “Tangled” a week ago, admission was 56 bucks, at 13 smackers apiece for Kate and me, and 10 apiece for the boys.

Fortunately, Patrick got in for free, as a 2-year-old. That was doubly fortunate, as he slept through the entire flick (I envied him the nap, because it just wasn’t worth the time, IMHO).

How sacked out was he? Enough so that, when I transferred him from my lap to Kate’s so I could go buy another freezie drink at an inflated price because the boys needed a refill (we bring cups and split up the drink), the tyke didn‘t even wake up.

I used to feel a tad guilty when we’d stop at the drugstore to buy contraband candy to sneak past the ticket sentinels, but no more, not now that the ticket sellers might as well be wearing masks, as bandits for the theater moguls charging outrageous prices for technology that doesn’t add a scintilla of enjoyment to the experience, in my opinion. They're just churning out 3-D flicks to jack the prices, pure and simple.

To the moviemakers and theater owners I say, to tangle a line from Rapunzel: "Highway Robbers, Highway Robbers, take down your prices!"

Oh, I know they think the math adds up, but here’s my math: I used to be able to take the lads to a flick for $30 or $35, tops. Now, with the total tally approaching 80 greenbacks, we just won’t be going to as many movies.

With apologies to Johnny Paycheck, from back in the ’80s, long before YouTube and the glut of 3-D movies, they can take 3-D and shove it, I ain’t payin’ that no more.