Don't Be Tardy for My Party: Two License Plates Are Too Damn Many

At first blush, my announcement of a new political party might be as far removed from the Grandfather Clause’s purpose of spotlighting my grandchildren as the sun is from Pluto (and that poor thing isn’t even a planet anymore). Although my cheeks are flushed with anger, I’m not blushing as I proclaim the formation of my “Two License Plates Are Too Damn Many Party.”

First, I must apologize to Jimmy McMillan for swiping part of the mantra of his “Rent Is Too Damn High Party” in his campaign to be governor of New York last fall.



Now, like Jimmy’s being concerned about children, I’m founding my party because it’s also about the kids, and their futures.

I raise the issue because I just moved from Florida, one of only 19 states that requires a plate only on the back, to Wisconsin, which demands plates on the front AND back, like most other states. I submit that the requirement is a total waste of the raw materials of metal and paint to make the plates.

Think how much metal could be saved if the states dumped the laws requiring two plates. The front plate seems superfluous to me, even if some might argue that the double duty provides gainful employment to prisoners tasked with making them.

My party will focus on the money-saving and resource-saving aspect of switching to just one plate, instead of the shallow arguments of those with classic cars who say the front plates distract from the beauty and lines of the grille.

I don’t buy the bogus argument I ran across in researching the bylaws for my party that the front plate is to help the increasingly common cameras to catch red-light runners. First of all, the double-plating requirement was there long before those controversial cameras came to pass. Secondly, all they have to do is readjust the cameras to shoot the car’s rear plates. Thirdly, why do police think they need to check you coming and going, anyway?

I didn’t pay much attention to the two-plate law in my home state of Nebraska because the long arm of the law never reached out and touched me. But my resentment of front plates actually started more than a decade ago, when I lived in Minnesota. Gopher State winters take their toll on front plates, as they easily come off as the cars plow through snowy streets. And state troopers and police take advantage of that, ticketing folks who don’t have the front plate to generate revenue for city coffers.

I got nabbed once, but that wasn’t my main gripe. My ire was directed at the St. Paul cops who routinely drove through high school parking lots and ticketing students’ cars that had only one plate. Brendan got snagged more than once. Even though it was simple enough to go to the traffic judge and explain the problem, it was inconvenient to have to take time off of work to head to the courthouse.

I always thought the police should be out catching real criminals instead of picking on kids who were in school studying their butts off.

I understand there are petition drives in California and other states to get rid of front license plates, despite law enforcement’s plea that the front plates make their jobs easier. (Other than picking on high school kids, what are they saying, that they start a lot of arrests by looking in their rear-view mirrors or they catch people in high-speed chases in reverse? I think not.)

I can understand how it's a big issue in California. Just check out this shot of how the front plates are so heavy that they weigh down the landscape in the Golden State.



OK, that may not be the reason for the tilt here, which obviously is the result of a camera angle a San Francisco hill, but I'm using poetic license to advance my political spin that the superfluous plates even screw up nature. Why worry about global warming when the REAL issue is that the heaviness of the extra plates is slowing down global spinning to the extent that the world will stop someday, and whoever is on the half facing the sun will fry! Now THAT's a political issue that ought to concern people.

I’m still working on the bylaws for my party, but you can bet one of the main wherefores will be, “Wherefore we could save a potload of money (perhaps to repair winter potholes in Wisconsin and Minnesota), we hold this truth to be self evident: Two license plates are too damn many.

My grandkids will thank me when there’s still enough money to provide Social Security and Medicare for them with all the cash and steel saved, and enough steel to reinforce homes against tornadoes and such.

In the meantime, all I ask of you is for you to send me your signature saying you back the party. Ideally, it’d be nice if you’d put it on a check.

Thankyouverymuch.
Mike Tighe
President, Two License Plates Are Too Damn Many Party