My School on Wheels Would Leave Meals on Wheels in Dust

I recently saw that commercial about the fella who taught his kid to read at 8 months and thinks you should, too.
Obviously, he just wants you to buy his reading program, but I did feel a tinge of guilt that I was such a slouch of a parent that I let the schools teach my brood how to read. That hearkened back to my own upbringing, when I started with one-syllable words on colored leaves in first grade.
Now, of course, even kindergartners can read some words.
The commercial also lit a fire under me, though, to pitch in on helping the grandkids learn to read. Of course, it’s too late for the older ones, because Anthony’s on the downside of high school, and Vincent, Jack and even 3-year-old Luke can read to varying degrees.
But I’ve got a clean slate with Patrick, who doesn’t even talk much beyond “ma-MAH,” “da-DAH” and BALL, which comes out BAH!
I haven’t mentioned Patrick all that much because, well, I confess that my interest in kids kicks in when they’re around 1 year old. (You won't catch em in a gaggle of wimmin ga-gahhing when a kid moves or breaths or toots.)
But he's cute and bright and, well, his middle name is Michael, so I’m quite fond of the little nipple biter. But I’m even behind the 8-ball on him, because he’s damnnear a year old already.
And I realized the other day that I’ve got textbooks at my fingertips. So I think I’ll rip off the Meals-on-Wheels idea and start a School-on-Wheels franchise. It’s quite simple, and the textbooks are free: bumper stickers.
I got the other day when I saw this one on the back of a pickup that an independent-looking woman was driving: “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”
Even though that runs contrary to Patrick’s T-shirt that proclaims, “Lady Killer,” but the gal is entitled to her opinion.
Besides, there’s the bumper sticker that answers her: “Never judge a girl by her bumper sticker.”
Of course, many bumper stickers take a political position. They’re already selling THIS number on the Internet: “Sarah Palin wins 2009 Alaska Iquitarod.”
HOWEVER, since this column is politically neutral, I’ll cite this one, too: “So how’s that Hope and Change thing goin’ for ya?”
And some are downright belligerent, such as this gem: “If punching you in the face is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.”
Some others:
* When surveyed, 4 out of 5 older Americans answered, “What?”
* Life can be lived only forward and understood only backward.”
* Legally, it’s questionable. Morally, disgusting. Personally, I like it.
* Land of the FREE because of the BRAVE.
* Who would Jesus Torture?
*What would Reagan do?
* Some days, it’s not worth gnawing through the straps.
* Hang up and DRIVE!
* Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
* TV is gooder then books.
* The best things in life are not things.
* In case of fire, do not use elevators. Use water.
* Don’t settle with words what you can settle with a flamethrower.
* Never let your mother brush your hair when she’s mad at your father.
I could go on and on, but why reinvent the wheel? You can see LOTS more textbooks at http://www.cafepress.com/ibs_store. The selection provides a wide curriculum for Schools on Wheels, including affirmations, admonitions, aspirations, declarations, exhortations, modern thought, etc., etc.,
I figure that, if I get the technique down, I can start teaching Amelia when I go see her for the first time in a couple of months. Even at less than a month old, she's already taken the pose of "The Thinker." (Obviously, I need to go to computer school to find out how to make her picture look upright; her mom's the film editor — I don't know beans.)
And, if I get her started on the right foot, Annie and Kevin can sport a sticker that’s a take-off on the old “My D student can beat up your A student.
I’ll close with one of my favorites, which I saw a couple of years back: “Praise the lowered.” At FIRST, I thought the poor bloke couldn’t spell Lord, but then I noticed that his pickup was lowered.
I LOVE to see people who let words out of the dictionary to play with each other.